DISCLAIMER : Any or all resemblance to any living, non-living being, plant, animal, paranormal existence, etc. is truly and honestly (I have the software open on my screen and my hand is on it) a coincidence. The writer accepts that this is purely fictional and might be a hallucination.
How
to achieve legendary fan followings and remain amongst the most talked about in
the office plus other attractive tricks and stunts*
2) Be the 1st to send out b’day, anniversary, seasons’, new
year’s, Diwali, Dusshera, Eid, Christmas (there are so many festivals and
special occasions; especially in India) mails to the whole office. You just
have to be a bit more creative to come up with new ones. Try some which I came
up with. Wishes for successful divorce, getting a new bf/gf, ditching the last
one, pet giving birth to younger ones, pet eloping with neighbour’s pet (this
one is sad so insert a sad smiley : if you need further assistance with this
then kindly get in touch with my hot secretary she is a Six Sigma certified
smiley maker on fb; if you don’t know what fb is then you need to call
Technology Assistance Call Center), new watch day, new lingerie day (you need
to be really observant or track status updates/tweets on fb or twitter), a
dislocated arm/fractured neck (again insert sad or relevant smiley), got love
bites mail (check with the person before sending to whole office) etc.;
3) If you were the first one to send these mails out then please ‘reply to
all’ to whosoever replies and thanks you for your wishes. Keep replying to all
for all such thanksgiving mails. Do not worry if you are not the 1st
person to send these mails. For you can always send out another mail wishing
the same person for the same reason. Just change the text font, color, size and
the background image. Also, for both the type of people please do not rest on
your laurels. Every day you must take ownership and initiative to copy paste
and forward to everyone pathetic one-liners, jokes, quotes, anecdotes, stories,
snaps, pictures, irrelevant locations for holidays, enlightening piece of news
(like who is Anna Hazare, do you know what goes into your paani puri etc.),
etc. You need not worry whether whatever you are mailing out has/holds any
semblance of truth or not. Just do it!!! (Nike is rich and they ask you to do
it so what the heck, do it). Again, if someone replies you have to ‘reply to
all’ (why the hell was that feature created in the first place; they could have
just created send. Ya! You got it right. It was meant to be your vehicle to
popularity). It is your birthright so always send to all;
4) Always take out time to go and visit people on their desks and say
hi/hello/howdy/how are you?/do you have work to do? (the last question is a
must). Repeat this at least 3 times daily for people you know. For people you
do not know do it twice daily or one and a half times (half matlab walking by
their desks and grinning at them like a dolt but sparing them your dignified
presence for more than those fleeting seconds). Soon, the people you do not
know will shift to the people you know list. See, I told you making friends and
networking is child’s play;
5) Ask random people if they want to go to CCD/Barista/cafeteria/any other
joint with you. If not, then drag them along. If still not, then at least you
can tag along with them to the Breakout area or the water cooler. Remember to
watch out for two universal symbols which denote the washrooms for the
different genders. In your frenzy to keep on the conversation do not follow
him/her into the sacrosanct place (after all, you aren’t Hutch/Vodafone ka
kutta read pug that you’ll follow wherever he/she goes). In case you do, do not
be afraid you will just hit the top levels of recognition amongst all members
of the opposite sex within 50 metres of the vicinity of the washroom where you
achieved this feat. You also will have a dinner time tale to tell at all company
get togethers, parties, official dinners and can post it on fb and beg for
comments and likes. Been there, done that. Also, you might get to say hello to
the Operations fellows, Security gaurds, Housekeeping staff… Again
networking!!! (In some years, they will vote for you for making you a Star
Employee);
6) Keep away from your desk but keep your IM busy and active. How? I am
still trying to figure this out. Subsequent posts will cover this issue in
detail;
7) 1) If something is not
happening then make it happen. Laugh loudly as if the someone just gave you a
free pass to the Disney Land and asked you to stay there forever all expenses
paid (if you prefer sleaze then Vegas will be your choice) but laugh out loud
so that the guy/gal who is trying to make that state return and is listening to
the Linking Park removes his ear phones and look at you. See, you got his/her
attention. Well begun but still half done. Try point#4 and 5 at him/her. If
laughing loudly has people immune then add variations to your laughing style.
Try snorting, grunting, guffawing, clutching at your throat, falling off your
chair while laughing, falling on other people and their desks, etc. Please try
and do not laugh as if you are about to orgasm because that might mean a hello
to the integrity and compliance people. If you want to get featured on the
weekly bulletin then go ahead and do this too;
8) If point#7 doesn’t work for you then lose your badge/ID and roam all
around the premises and ask people if they have seen it. Do not ask demand it.
After all, Right to Information is an Act now and a fundamental right. In fact,
why don’t you start forwarding the chapters of this Act as mails every day.
Enough to keep you going for a long time (so add it to point#3). After some
time you can again go over to every one’s desk and announce that you have got
it back. Tell them who all helped you, who didn’t, what all gossip you
exchanged during the endeavor of tracking it down. In fact, at the EOD you can
again send out an e-mail to thank people and promising help for their problems;
both personal and professional;
9) Take a lunch/dinner break. The company entitles you to one. Hak se mango
aur le lo. Work life balance bhi to zaruri hai;
10) Uff!!! I stretch so much and work so much but still there is so much
work to be done. Am I a slave? Am I a servant? Keep ranting these things and
disturb others. Persuade them to join you in on your cribbing brigade. Waste
whatever time was there left for the day to end. Then, settle down on your desk
and start surfing. Seniors will notice you are stretching way way past your
normal scheduled hours. When they leave you again have to become active so
conserve energy. Patience is key. It is the virtue which will ensure you
achieve super stardom. Yes, just like Rajnikanth. You are slowly getting my
point;
11) As soon as the expat/manager/senior/whoever you have been apple
polishing all day leaves : Pack your bag and hit the gym. Work life balance and
trying to remain healthy or trying to keep myself motivated gyaan arguments
will help you dissipate all doubts your co-workers, juniors, colleagues harbor
when they see you lugging your gym bag across the floor at the most ungodly and
unearthly hour possible;
12) Charge the time that you spent in office and charge more. Always. Aakhir
Indian ho. Kuch to logey. Time hi le lo. In fact agar client ko charge kar
saktey ho to charge them for your food and travel too. Jaan hi le lo!!! There
are many who have achieved mastery in this skill. Working for less hours and
having more Client Service Hours. Data samples have been sent to the NASA and
their time travel wing is still trying to solve this mystery as to how this is
possible only in India. Until then we need to wait for the results. Not
exactly, an intelligent colleague pointed out the MM (multiple monitor) theory.
If you use two or more monitors you can/may/should charge time spent on both
depending on your mood swings, the way the senior asked you to get the work in,
the deadline etc. For more clarifications on this theory please reach out to
me.
*Try
these tips for maximum R&Rs. The writer does not take any guarantee of
results or your bf/gf/pets walking out on you. Limited liability
indemnification and whatever. Suggestions are subject to market risk and
results may vary from person to person depending on co-workers
level of patience, grit and ability to take shit and not stand up against it.
P.S.
: If you have received this e-mail from me then appreciate it and then please
delete it. Under any circumstances, please refrain from forwarding it across to
your colleagues (including that ‘oh! so cute guy/girl’) and seniors or the HR
department. I am sure you would want to excuse me the pleasantries that they
would want to exchange with me if this gets around. Curb your urges to hit the
send button (yes! I have the greening initiative and global warming issues on
my mind), don’t make a cult following for this piece of whatever I wrote and as
soon as the feelings of exhilaration and achievement have settled down, please
go back to your desks and get your work done. ;P
Cheerio,
You
know who wrote it
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