The Willow Wails....

As a child who loved to run around,

But, afraid to sit by himself on the merry-go-round,

You inspired him to maintain his ground, and

With the bat and ball a passion he found.

Twirls, poses and appeals abound,

Whether awake, eating, in his dreams or any place he could bound (to),

Such was your grip on his lil’ heart,

That he would wake up with a start,

Every time the television played a Boost commercial or displayed a score card.

To him it has now become second nature,

To watch, read or collect things wherein you feature,

You, his God and, he, your humble creature.

So, when you broke this news to the world,

All his heart could do was pound....

Deep thuds and missing beats,

For you have been to him all good things INFINITE!!!!

P.S. : To be continued....

Sarcasmic Pleasures :P

DISCLAIMER : Any or all resemblance to any living, non-living being, plant, animal, paranormal existence, etc. is truly and honestly (I have the software open on my screen and my hand is on it) a coincidence. The writer accepts that this is purely fictional and might be a hallucination.

How to achieve legendary fan followings and remain amongst the most talked about in the office plus other attractive tricks and stunts*

1)    Enroll for everything – yes, EVERYTHING – that comes your way. Be it training, cultural program, fund raising, dancing (even if you hobble like me and others think you are about to throw up), helping new hires by imparting on-the job-training (you can always decline saying you have truckloads of work : psst… and use this time to catch up with your office buddies, go to the bandih wallah, coochie coo with your bf/gf on the phone), or better trying to tutor the professional who is assisting the new hires that you were assigned in the first place;

2) Be the 1^st to send out b’day, anniversary, seasons’, new year’s, Diwali, Dusshera, Eid, Christmas (there are so many festivals and special occasions; especially in India) mails to the whole office. You just have to be a bit more creative to come up with new ones. Try some which I came up with. Wishes for successful divorce, getting a new bf/gf, ditching the last one, pet giving birth to younger ones, pet eloping with neighbour’s pet (this one is sad so insert a sad smiley : if you need further assistance with this then kindly get in touch with my hot secretary she is a Six Sigma certified smiley maker on fb; if you don’t know what fb is then you need to call Technology Assistance Call Center), new watch day, new lingerie day (you need to be really observant or track status updates/tweets on fb or twitter), a dislocated arm/fractured neck (again insert sad or relevant smiley), got love bites mail (check with the person before sending to whole office) etc.;

3) If you were the first one to send these mails out then please ‘reply to all’ to whosoever replies and thanks you for your wishes. Keep replying to all for all such thanksgiving mails. Do not worry if you are not the 1^st person to send these mails. For you can always send out another mail wishing the same person for the same reason. Just change the text font, color, size and the background image. Also, for both the type of people please do not rest on your laurels. Every day you must take ownership and initiative to copy paste and forward to everyone pathetic one-liners, jokes, quotes, anecdotes, stories, snaps, pictures, irrelevant locations for holidays, enlightening piece of news (like who is Anna Hazare, do you know what goes into your paani puri etc.), etc. You need not worry whether whatever you are mailing out has/holds any semblance of truth or not. Just do it!!! (Nike is rich and they ask you to do it so what the heck, do it). Again, if someone replies you have to ‘reply to all’ (why the hell was that feature created in the first place; they could have just created send. Ya! You got it right. It was meant to be your vehicle to popularity). It is your birthright so always send to all;

4) Always take out time to go and visit people on their desks and say hi/hello/howdy/how are you?/do you have work to do? (the last question is a must). Repeat this at least 3 times daily for people you know. For people you do not know do it twice daily or one and a half times (half matlab walking by their desks and grinning at them like a dolt but sparing them your dignified presence for more than those fleeting seconds). Soon, the people you do not know will shift to the people you know list. See, I told you making friends and networking is child’s play;

5) Ask random people if they want to go to CCD/Barista/cafeteria/any other joint with you. If not, then drag them along. If still not, then at least you can tag along with them to the Breakout area or the water cooler. Remember to watch out for two universal symbols which denote the washrooms for the different genders. In your frenzy to keep on the conversation do not follow him/her into the sacrosanct place (after all, you aren’t Hutch/Vodafone ka kutta read pug that you’ll follow wherever he/she goes). In case you do, do not be afraid you will just hit the top levels of recognition amongst all members of the opposite sex within 50 metres of the vicinity of the washroom where you achieved this feat. You also will have a dinner time tale to tell at all company get togethers, parties, official dinners and can post it on fb and beg for comments and likes. Been there, done that. Also, you might get to say hello to the Operations fellows, Security gaurds, Housekeeping staff… Again networking!!! (In some years, they will vote for you for making you a Star Employee);

6) Keep away from your desk but keep your IM busy and active. How? I am still trying to figure this out. Subsequent posts will cover this issue in detail;

7) 1)    If something is not happening then make it happen. Laugh loudly as if the someone just gave you a free pass to the Disney Land and asked you to stay there forever all expenses paid (if you prefer sleaze then Vegas will be your choice) but laugh out loud so that the guy/gal who is trying to make that state return and is listening to the Linking Park removes his ear phones and look at you. See, you got his/her attention. Well begun but still half done. Try point#4 and 5 at him/her. If laughing loudly has people immune then add variations to your laughing style. Try snorting, grunting, guffawing, clutching at your throat, falling off your chair while laughing, falling on other people and their desks, etc. Please try and do not laugh as if you are about to orgasm because that might mean a hello to the integrity and compliance people. If you want to get featured on the weekly bulletin then go ahead and do this too;

8) If point#7 doesn’t work for you then lose your badge/ID and roam all around the premises and ask people if they have seen it. Do not ask demand it. After all, Right to Information is an Act now and a fundamental right. In fact, why don’t you start forwarding the chapters of this Act as mails every day. Enough to keep you going for a long time (so add it to point#3). After some time you can again go over to every one’s desk and announce that you have got it back. Tell them who all helped you, who didn’t, what all gossip you exchanged during the endeavor of tracking it down. In fact, at the EOD you can again send out an e-mail to thank people and promising help for their problems; both personal and professional;

9) Take a lunch/dinner break. The company entitles you to one. Hak se mango aur le lo. Work life balance bhi to zaruri hai;

10) Uff!!! I stretch so much and work so much but still there is so much work to be done. Am I a slave? Am I a servant? Keep ranting these things and disturb others. Persuade them to join you in on your cribbing brigade. Waste whatever time was there left for the day to end. Then, settle down on your desk and start surfing. Seniors will notice you are stretching way way past your normal scheduled hours. When they leave you again have to become active so conserve energy. Patience is key. It is the virtue which will ensure you achieve super stardom. Yes, just like Rajnikanth. You are slowly getting my point;

11) As soon as the expat/manager/senior/whoever you have been apple polishing all day leaves : Pack your bag and hit the gym. Work life balance and trying to remain healthy or trying to keep myself motivated gyaan arguments will help you dissipate all doubts your co-workers, juniors, colleagues harbor when they see you lugging your gym bag across the floor at the most ungodly and unearthly hour possible;

12) Charge the time that you spent in office and charge more. Always. Aakhir Indian ho. Kuch to logey. Time hi le lo. In fact agar client ko charge kar saktey ho to charge them for your food and travel too. Jaan hi le lo!!! There are many who have achieved mastery in this skill. Working for less hours and having more Client Service Hours. Data samples have been sent to the NASA and their time travel wing is still trying to solve this mystery as to how this is possible only in India. Until then we need to wait for the results. Not exactly, an intelligent colleague pointed out the MM (multiple monitor) theory. If you use two or more monitors you can/may/should charge time spent on both depending on your mood swings, the way the senior asked you to get the work in, the deadline etc. For more clarifications on this theory please reach out to me.

*Try these tips for maximum R&Rs. The writer does not take any guarantee of results or your bf/gf/pets walking out on you. Limited liability indemnification and whatever. Suggestions are subject to market risk and results may vary from person to person depending on co-workers level of patience, grit and ability to take shit and not stand up against it.

P.S. : If you have received this e-mail from me then appreciate it and then please delete it. Under any circumstances, please refrain from forwarding it across to your colleagues (including that ‘oh! so cute guy/girl’) and seniors or the HR department. I am sure you would want to excuse me the pleasantries that they would want to exchange with me if this gets around. Curb your urges to hit the send button (yes! I have the greening initiative and global warming issues on my mind), don’t make a cult following for this piece of whatever I wrote and as soon as the feelings of exhilaration and achievement have settled down, please go back to your desks and get your work done. ;P

Cheerio,

You know who wrote it

March : I love thee!!!!

Love, the word itself has a unique and mysterious ring to it. Some swear by its purity, some by its prowess, some of its magnanimity, some by its eccentricity and some of the wreckages and wars it causes both in the minds and in the souls of people who have experienced it.

Right since when I was a kid, I have loved the month of March coz it brought with it the only vacation which wouldn’t have any holiday homework to be done. With the final examinations behind me there were no constant naggings to study and no restrictions on the hours of doing whatever my young, rebel heart wanted to do, set apart March from May-June (summer hols) or December-January (winter break). I could play as much as I wanted in the front, cemented courtyard; my version of solo cricket with my bat and plastic ball rebounding off the wall and my own version of English commentary right through my mock matches wherein India always ended up winning (even if I was playing a test match and we, India, had conceded a first inning lead). I love the air that the setting of March brings about as it has a distinct smell about it. I can smell it all day and night and still not have my fill of it coz it brings with it a smell of freedom, life, my childhood, dad’s coming back home from office in the evening and giving me a royal ride on his scooter (and occasionally even letting me hold/twist the accelerator), mom smiling from the front verandah window on the first floor while doing her evening ‘pujo’, my sister striking a deal with me to bat and get out for 50 times before I got a turn to bat, my Dada and Mam-Mam (maternal grandparents) wondering as to what else would fall prey apart from the grandfather’s clock that was the first casualty after bearing the brunt of my Sachin Tendulkar hook shot, the air smelling sweet of shoe-flowers and spider-lilies as soon as the dusk tip-toed in, the moon in all its glory, me imagining warriors fighting in the night sky and trying to etch the name of my school crush by joining the stars while lying on the roof at night after a cool and refreshing bath by the tube-well and being dunked with prickly heat talc by mom later.

Well, any love story cannot be all love and no heart-burn. March, also brought with it pangs of misery and pain. Board examinations, piles of course books, refresher material, last 10 years’ solved question papers, unending syllabuses and the miniscule portion I had covered and examination schedules gave me shivers in this month, twice, in my life as a school kid. Sleepless nights, a ban on video games, no ‘adda’ sessions after tuition classes, confiscation of my cell phone, no going for drives on my two-wheeler and absolutely no sprawling on the bed and spending a couple of hours devouring and digesting every section of the newspaper, I hold them all against March. However, I agree that without a little pain and the occasional argument a love story is too perfect to be true, too boring to be fun, too fine to be enjoyed, too bland to be savoured and too sacrosanct to last a life time. So, my affair with March continues every year and it has only kept getting better with time.

I say so as I have enjoyed the colours of Holi and India’s win over Pakistan in the 2003 and 2011 cricket world cups in this month. Wherever, I have been, March has always been faithful to me and we have never changed the way our relationship has been over the years. March, felt awesome in Delhi as it had a balmy, soothing wind blowing during the evenings which was reassuring and it also feels great in Hyderabad as the warm March showers leave me filled with ecstasy and makes my heart crave for more just like a child wanting another helping of ice-cream or a particular colour of jujube (sponge candy).

March, also happens to bring with it the birthday of the most beautiful lady that I have ever known and whom I have and by whom I have been loved the most. The starry nights of March thus remind me of her deep black eyes which have a mischievous twinkle about them, the mysterious gusts of winds remind me of her lovely, unkempt locks blowing all over her pretty face, the soothing evenings remind me of her brilliantly sparkling teeth and her comforting smile and the warm rain always brings back memories of the first kiss I shared with her, invaluable, everlasting, and when time stood still….

P.S. : By indicating the month of March, I took the liberty of including in it the ending of February and the start of April too. Pardon my travesty. I love and will always love March and Snoopy….

Yours only and forever!!!

You’ll never ever realize maybe,

That I will love you forever, baby;

Don’t know how I can show you my feelings,

Open the door of your heart and you’ll find me kneeling;

Your lovely laughter reminds me of the wind chimes,

And bring back memories of the lovely times;

Spent together without a care,

Jokes and anecdotes that we would share;

Having fun till the hilt,

But, now I am just plunged in so much of guilt;

Was I so bad,

That, with me, you got so mad?

If your love for me was gone the moment you said bye,

I would prefer to grieve and die;

It’s not that I cannot go on and live without you,

Just that life then would have no value;

Trying to change and become a better human being,

So that you can once again for me have feelings;

Living through pain but having a lot of hope,

That you will not leave me forever to cry and mope..

P.S. : For the most loved girl in this universe.... Te amo!!!!